i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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