he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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