we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
