I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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