I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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