So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
