thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
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