those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
