the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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