U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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