their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
