ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
