I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
