TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
