I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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