seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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