last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
