i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dear god my vagina.
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