I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
