my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
