I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
