i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
