found the other keg... it's in the tree
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
