the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? šš
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote āColleenās Dickāwith a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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