Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Randomize
