is your mom at the bar?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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