I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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