Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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