I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
