i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
