I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
