you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
