She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
