I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
