Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
