he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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