Are we in a gay sports bar?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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