I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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