Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
