I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
