I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
