I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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