Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
