BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
