i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
