ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
