I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
