Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
