I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
