If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
