Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
