he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
