I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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