3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
