you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He shit in the fireplace
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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