My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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