pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
