I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am available for nakedness
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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