This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
