I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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