Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
