She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
