If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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