when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
