i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I didn't shave. On purpose
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
